Thinking...

It's very difficult to make decisions. You get to a point where you have a gut feeling, you know it, you believe it, then you begin to doubt it. You begin the painful process of thinking. A while after you chew on the idea, the great idea goes by the wayside. What happened? Well what happened was you thought it out.

I'm tired of thinking. I think thinking has gotten in the way now for a quite a while. Thinking about this very idea makes me begin to doubt, think of how cliche this very notion is, but guess what? I'm tired of it. Thinking with your head reduces you to logic, a perfect rational creature. What am I not? What are people not? Rational. Listen to what people say, and listen to what you hear and think they're saying. Nine times of out of ten you probably going to be off a bit.

So what has thinking done for me? Well, for one it has kept me in one place for a while. Any momentum I've had recently has been when I stopped thinking and began to feel, and listened to the proverbial gut. Earlier this year when I knew things weren't exactly right at my last job, I had to seriously listen and acknowledge the physical sensation in my gut. I knew I had to do something, and I did. I was proud of myself. If I had listened to my mind, or just "thought it out," and I'm not so sure it would have turned the same way.

Let's continue. Thinking also puts a temporary stop on creativity. I'll put my hand to guitar, play something. The mind says, "oh no, that's not good enough. It's been done before." So what do I do? Seriously reduce my proverbial creative output waiting for the right set of conditions to be in place. Right sound from the speakers on the right day when I'm in a good mood.

I go through the day thinking about what I like and dislike. However, I find the older one gets the harder it gets to know directly what you feel. Do you like chocolate? Most people can directly answer that question. Yes, no, but very few maybe so's. When you think about your next choices, it all gets very gray. One feels safe, one can rationalize. Don't get me wrong, you need to think -- I do it all the time. But sometimes, you need to let non-verbal parts of you get their say too. When I overthink I begin to loose touch with myself.

Do you have a pet? Cat? Dog? I have 3 crazy cats. We got one cat recently named Sherman. We named Sherman Sherman because he's like tank. He's big, stocky, and he likes to walk into you with his little battering ram head. And when you pick him he purrs. He clearly enjoys his time with you. Sherman likes to be on your lap. Direct. He communicates to me without using words. "Oh yes, Doug, you have a very nice lap, and I like your company." Sherman isn't thinking if he's showing too much attention, and trying to purr because I expect him to. He's not that complicated. He likes to be on my lap -- that's it.

It get even harder when you coordinate your decisions with a partner or group. Now you need to coordinate your feelings, preferences, thoughts, which you may not even be positive about in the first place with another. Their stuff in their mind is changing too, and now changing even more in anticipation of you! What can a person do? Keeping it strictly to your brain space and thinking, you could be constantly adjusting your thoughts to what you think other people's thoughts are of your thoughts. This goes on and on, and then basically, you're stuck. Ooops. You get stuck in a loop. Over and over again. And again. Tired. How'd this happen?

Well, on days like this I'd like to thank the brain. And also on the fact are brains are kind of messy. We're smart enough -- we can think, put together some fancy ideas, but sometimes we hit some walls. Ouch. We're not so smart to realize we're stuck in this ridiculous loop! Especially when you're stuck in the loop with somebody else. Couple's therapy anybody? We just get stuck in these patterns thanks to our little brains. Sometimes I just want to remove it from my body.

So if I'm not using my brain, what am I using? I'd like to use my gut, or my intuition. They may be different, they may the same thing (I tend to think they're probably different, I was reading someplace, they are in different chakras). After all this time, I think you've accumulated enough experience where you don't necessarily need to actively think all the time. You can hopefully sort out the chestnuts useful from the garbage. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If it works more often than not, I think I'm good. There's just too much out there (not fooling myself this is just happening now to us in the "information age"), and it's hard to figure out.

So what am I do? (Besides finish this long post without pictures.) Continue going at it. What's it, you ask? Experiences, life -- accumulate and treasure those (even the bad ones), and put them to good use -- at some point. You may not use them immediately, but you may put them to use at some point. The brain has taught me one thing that's been useful. That thing is perspective. Having a brain gives me self-awareness to know I exist, others exist, as well as their other perspectives. I just can't forget that I am here, even when I'm surrounded my zillions of people and ideas floating about. I need to acknowledge and respect my feelings, yes, my thoughts, and yours too along they way. Just don't make it so complicated.

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Back from Maine...

Roz and I just got back from Maine, and again we had a really excellent trip. We got to see Chris, Chris, and Ruby, who we don't see enough of, and I actually get to spend real quality time with Rosanne too. It's trips like these where I get to take a step back and really get to appreciate what I have around me and enjoy life. While I like Maine (quite a bit), I'm not exactly sure if it's Maine itself that makes everything taste so good. I think it's being around people, focusing on the people you care about, and sharing and enjoying life with them.

While I fear this post might be a bit maudlin (maybe it's just me, but it seems like whenever I talk about more emotional stuff I feel a little naked, exposed -- I have need to wear another layer of clothing), I think it's important to reflect before the usual cycle of work (wash, rinse, and dry) begins again. I'm always asking myself if life is moving faster and why. I like to wear my little philosopher's hat now and then, and dig a bit deeper. Part of me wonders if this is just the experience we all feel as we get older. Some things we all experience, and maybe this is the case with me -- I'm no different. My other theory is life is getting more complicated, busy and noisy (hello constant world of Facebook). Here again, I say yes it might getting more complicated now, BUT I think I may have heard this before with folks times past. People always look back to the good ol' days when things were simple -- before TV there was radio, before industrialization there was make my own pencil in my backyard with my own widdling knife from own tree (blah, you get the picture). Anyway, at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter if life is getting faster and why -- it just matters to value the things you care about. It's been said before, but life goes by quite fast.

Roz and I are always looking at different places to move too (it seems like that's what we do, other post for another day), but it probably most important to look inside. As Rosanne mentioned today, it's the feeling we have when we're at all these places. We feel more complete as people, less stressed, and connected. While a lot of these places are great, it's really how we're feeling on inside that connects us.

We got to spend an awesome time with CCR (no, not the band!). I got to kayak and reflect with Chris as we hear the call of the loon, watch fine cinema with Chris, share a pickle with Ruby and relearn the power of "No" in conversation, and get to read out loud The Last Stand to Roz as we drive the open, tree-lined roads of Mid-Coast Maine. At this point I'm already beginning to have thoughts of tomorrow creep into my head, but before that happens, it's time for my own early mid-year Thanksgiving (had the pie at Moody's) -- thank you for an awesome trip this year!

Do Not Worry

It's been a busy weekend, full of a lot of activities -- I'm actually surprised how much I (and we got done) this weekend. I'd like to start this post with a short passage from Hemingway:

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know."

I had picked up Movable Feast again after seeing Midnight in Paris for the second time. It was a great movie, and I heartily recommend it. Woody Allen really captured the beauty of Paris similar to what what he did for NYC in Manhattan, plus he touched on some timeless themes about how we live and we fulfill ourselves, be it through jobs, passions, higher pursuits, etc. I was very taken with the Hemingway character in the movie who spoke with a direct voice, full of insight coupled male heroic bravado. Anyway, in regards to the quote, I connected with it on the level of how do we actually say anything meaningful in life, art, music, or whatever. My brain at least is always thinking on some many levels, I frequently prevent myself from starting AND completing many things. I get sidetracked and ask too many peripheral questions. How do you stay focused? Something a 12-year-old could tell you, focus on the truth. Thank you Hemingway.

This weekend I also attended the Design for Drupal conference at MIT on Saturday. This was a big event focusing on the designer community (hence the name), engaging and to integrating it into the larger Drupal community. For those not familiar, Drupal is a VERY popular content management system-- essentially a tool that lets you manage your website without knowing fancy code. I had an excellent time there, and it's been refreshing so far with my new job to be in a position of actual doing. At my last job, I grew accustomed to what seemed like a million meta-conversations that seldom resulted in getting anything done. Related, it's been nice to focus on the facts at hand (website development, meeting new people). If you live in a sea of gray long enough, you begin to forget what the truth is.

After the excellent conference, Rosanne and I got to eat some dinner and we moseyed our way over to the Brattle Theatre to watch a classic. As you probably don't know, I've been focusing a lot more on film this year (yes the film as in the higher culture variety as some people like to make fun of me for,), and part of that mission has been going to great places like the Coolidge Theater in Brookline, the Dedham Community theater, and now the Brattle. We got to see a restored version of African Queen that was great. Some parts of the story I didn't totally buy (why did they have to sink that German ship if Boghart had a decade's worth of gin and food?), but the movie really shined in the interactions between Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart. Good stuff!

Today was equally action-packed as we went to the Wilson Mountain Reservation in Dedham, the Arnold Arboretum, and also found a new friend. Walking all around the parks today, Rosanne and I made the obvious conclusion we needed a dog. How can you not walk a trail without a dog? That's what we thought too. Based on that, we visited the Angell Memorial shelter and the Animal Rescue League. Well, we didn't see any dogs, but we did bump into one fine cat. In one of the crate/cage things we saw this little guy named Russo. Russo had almost died when he was dropped off, as he was suffering from a serious wound. He was basically saved by the the emergency vet in Walpole (same vet we took Wyatt too last year), and has been recovering for the past two months. We met him, and he had the best personality. Just a few moments ago I was hanging out with him and he was purring like he's know me for 10 years. We really connected with him, and we took him home. The little guy's eight years old, and it felt to bring him home --welcome to the family!

Much Happening

What better time to squeeze in a blog post than right before the weekend closes. Reading Roadielocks on a regular basis, I get to see my lovely wife share with the world with her verve and lively prose, so I will use her as an my inspiration for today's post (been a while).

Just a quick word of warning, this initial post will not contain photos -- so I'll be violating my own sacred code of blogging (thou shalt always have photos in thou post). Let's get on to it.

Yesterday was sports-theme day, as RL and I went to the Bruins parade in the morning/afternoon, and I also went to the Revs game by night. First, let's talk the parade. While I was hesitate about waking up early(ish) on Saturday, it seemed like a good idea to experience parade. Winning in Boston is big, so I really couldn't pass this up (one million people felt the same way). RL and I took the commuter train in, and I was hit by the fact it seemed like the entire student body of Dedham High was at the station. I never knew so many 14-year-old's were into NHL hockey. It could have been a lot of worse (basically got some bad jokes and fashion), we made it to South Station okay.

We plunked our buts over at Government Center as we waited for the Bruin's brigade show up with with Lord Stanley's cup. We got to see the Cup (held by Tim Thomas), and the whole Bruins team strut their stuff. It was nice that the pace of the parade was actually a lot slower than previous parades have been up here, so you actually got some time to process what was going on. I remember at a Patriot's parade everybody passed in what I thought was 15 seconds.

After the parade, RL & I got to walk around the city, hit the North End, culminating with a visit to the Common. Along the way we did to see one pretty funny event. After we left the North End, we snaked through the Bank North Center, and low and behold their was still major Bruins activity left to be had. We saw the Duck boats returning (now empty), but I also got to see this very TALL guy on this bike. I got to see Chara on his bike zoom by the Duck boats giving the some folks a pretty hardy cheer. Pretty cool! As RL mentions in her blog, this kind of got me motivated to get the bike rack on the ASAP.

Later on, we headed back to Dedham to see our friends, Curt and Marieke. I saw the Revs tie with Chicago with Curt (excellent company, frustrating game) and Rosanne got to see Bride Wars (I think) with Marieke -- a good ol' gender divide, boys do the sports, girls do the chic flick. Definitely a good time!

Today, we were able to resume our tour of religion by going to St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Dedham. Here were my takeaways in brief:

• Nice people
• Very white (however, most places around here do)
• LONG mass (75 minutes long)
• Seemed very similar to a Catholic mass with all the overhead and singing
• Cool sermon on the holy trinity -- use of 3 musketeers to help explain concept
  
• Too much book juggling, one second it was the Book of Common Prayer, then it was the hymnal
• Everyone took the wafer (Eucharist) together at the alter -- seemed very communal, none of this one at a time business
  
• Didn't like the alter was behind this ornamental gate, seemed symbol of some kind of hierarchy
• Got to see an old co-worker unexpectedly, very nice!

We are already have visited a Unitarian church (written about in an unpublished blog post), so we need to figure out where we go next. I'm thinking the Shakers -- what do you think?




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